Critical Confabulations

a theatre, film & pop culture review

Oscars 2013: Post-Awards Wrap-Up

A little post-show commentary, if you will.

Top 2013 Oscar Moments:
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
in no particular order…

Oscars-Set.JPEG-05eae“Why didn’t Amy and Tina host? Why don’t Amy and Tina host everything?
Seriously, Bill, why didn’t they? Even you would’ve been funnier than Seth McFarlane who managed to offend the (memory of) arguably the best president of the United States as well as all women everywhere (“We Saw Your Boobs”).

The only person Seth MacFarlane cracked up?
Seth MacFarlane.

That sparkly, fabulously gold, projection-infused set.
Well done, Tony Award-winning set designer, Derek McLane. Well done.

halle-berry-naomi-watts-sandra-bullock-articleMetal, metal, metal
Meryl. Halle. J-Hud. Naomi. Sandy. The ladies were badasses in metallics this year.

The “Best Picture” only had two other wins
And one is a tragedy. Chris Terrio, it is offensive that you won Best Adapted Screenplay. Offensive. Tony Kushner, you win in my heart.

The camera kept panning to Ang Lee
…in some not-so-subtle foreshadowing. But how can you hate on Ang? He is the Cutest. Director. Ever. And a master at winning even when his pictures do not. [A moment of silence for Brokeback, please.] Crowe managed to not embarrass himself (too much) further
I was rooting for you, pal.

Anne, your nips are showing
And this is who we gave an Oscar too. It came true! Oy.

Dame Shirley Bassey
Wowza, girl killed “Goldfinger.” Way more impressive than Babs. Yeah, I said it.

Let’s leave the song and dance to the Tony Awards
Not that Charlize and Channing, JGL and D-Rad, and J-Hud weren’t great, but remind me again why there was an homage to musical theatre?  Sure, Les Mis was a big hit, but this whole sequence of numbers felt forced and awkward — especially that Les Mis number. And Catherine Zeta-Jones, please… just stop. Let’s leave the song and dance numbers to the professionals. (But always let Adele sing.)

Except that Sound of Music bit was pretty great

I mean, who doesn’t love a good Nazi joke, right? Since Emmanuelle Riva didn’t win, my grandpa is still the oldest person ever to win an Oscar. And he’s just the best and most charming man at this year’s Oscars — except for maybe Daniel Day-Lewis.

Quvenzhane-Wallis-brings-her-signature-puppy-purse-to-the-Oscars-PHOTOSThe Onion called nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis a “cunt”
Oh yes, they did. And, lest we forget, MacFarlane also made an inappropriate joke about her not being quite old enough for George Clooney. C’mon, y’all: There’s funny and then there’s innocent little girls who carry puppy purses to the OscarsDon’t be an asshole.

IT’S A TIE?!?!
Both Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall received the award for Sound Editing. This is not the first time a tie has occurred: In Oscar’s 85 years, there have been five other ties: The most famous occurred in 1969, when Barbra Streisand (Funny Girl) and Katharine Hepburn (The Lion in Winter) each received 3,030 votes for their lead turns. Back in the day, however, exactitudes were not required: If there was a difference of three votes or less, a tie was declared, as in 1932 when Frederic March (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) received only one more vote for Best Actor than Wallace Beery (The Champ). Other ties occurred in 1949 (Documentary Short), 1986 (Documentary Feature), and 1995 (Live Action Short).

Jessica-Chastain_6_1679911aLincoln = The Most Nominations, Life of Pi = The Most Wins
Lincoln had 12 noms, only winning Lead Actor and Production Design, while Life of Pi — which no one seemed to really love — had 11 noms and 4 wins (Directing, Special Effects, Original Score, Cinematography).

Jessica Chastain, Best Dressed & (the real) Best Actress
Gorgeous, poised, brilliant, gracious. Love her.

If I had tripped over my dress, it wouldn’t be considered charming and endearing
Y’all would’ve mocked me for years. But I’m not Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence, am I?

Sam Jackson, Most Stylin’
Forever and always a badass motherfucker. Love him.

Did anyone else think the FLOTUS’s presenting of Best Picture foretold a win for Lincoln?
And then became terribly depressed when it didn’t?

Ben Affleck, Smuggest
You won. Now stop acting so pompous.

Daniel Day-Lewis, Most Eloquent
Charming as ever, with lipstick on his cheek, Mr. 16th President is the first to ever to win three Oscars for Best Actor. He was also the most clever: His Margaret Thatcher joke was leaps and bound funnier than anything McFarlane quipped.


Quentin Tarantino, Douchiest
Did he just say “peace out?” Please learn how to tie a (non-leather) tie, sir.

Ok, folks, that’s it for the 2013 Oscars!

Hooray for Hollywood!

It’s been exhausting, infuriating, enlightening, ridiculous, and fantastic fun to see everything and and blog about it all for your (hopefully) reading pleasure. I’m just crazy enough to do it all again next year, but in the meantime… I’ll focus on The Broadway and T-Hanks’s shot at Tony-dom.

Upcoming: 2013 Tony Awards — All Tonys, All the Time.


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